The last month has been full of joy and defeat. I am excited and elated in one moment and defeated and destroyed in the next. Not sure if it’s the moon or the stars or the energy of our universe or just the plan that God has for me in this time and place. At least this time the joy comes from within, and my own hard work and my own big beautiful heart, while the defeats are outside of the circle of myself. I did not bring them into my life. I’m beginning to question all things big and small that jeopardize my joy. In fact, it’s the first time in my entire life that I can say I have set boundaries, and I refuse to have it any other way. I have grown so much in a year, much more than the previous 46.
I have overcome disease of my mind and body, and I am learning everyday how to discipline myself and do things that are good for my mind, body and soul. I am learning to connect and talk about the pain that has lived inside me for so many years. What has not changed? My pain that is rooted in loneliness. I remain lonely no matter what it may look like to the outer world. It may look like I have a fantastically beautiful life on track with a family, career, and abundance. The truth is I am struggling to raise two teenagers from my happily never after and save a new and fragile marriage born of despair. I am trying desperately to find inspiration in my career, where standardized testing scores are more important than actual talents. I am growing weary of being everything to everyone, and I long to connect to other kindred worldly spirits and be free. I am blessed with true friends, but their lives are busy and far removed from where I am, and so I turn to the pain and this page and write what it is that’s in my heart.
We all live with this pain, some bury it deep within their souls, while others leave it just surfacing. No matter what it may look like we all suffer, we all live with pain. I guess it’s not that we all must live with it, but that we all have the ability to share our stories, and to let the world know that they do not need to suffer alone. It’s not a path that you must walk on your own , but a lonely one no matter where you are on that long-crooked road. I feel best when I share my stories of my pain and sorrow but also of my joys and victories.
What I find particularly interesting about the human condition, is that when we are suffering very few take the time to truly understand what that feels like or even understand what has brought you to that place. Usually it’s a simple “oh I’m so sorry” or “I hope things get better”, but not a sincere attempt to truly understand what is bringing you such pain. Conversely, when we are experiencing joy and triumph, the ego takes us to a place where we feel threatened or competitive with people who might be experiencing happiness or success. I rarely feel this way, and I deeply experience the joy and pain of those around me. It is this very thing that troubles me almost daily. How do we restore this humanity to our world, when we are unwilling to share in the joy and in the pain of the living things that we share our world with? For me it always comes back to connecting deeply and authentically with the people in my world, but what if they’re not willing to reciprocate your request or even acknowledge your ability to do that for them? I don’t know the answer, I just know it’s been a turbulent month with many mountains and valleys that I have climbed and several obstacles have turned up at the most unexpected moments. And I am certain that if I continue meeting you here in this place then my joy will return, and this pain will be released.
This month has come in like a heavy blanket; suffocating and warm, but every time I try to pull it down or off me, I am drawn to hiding underneath it once again. When I was a small child, I had a recurring nightmare for many years. I would wake up under the blankets unable to speak, scream or breathe. I stayed in this place of terror for many years unable to break free of this prison. And it is this prison break that takes me to writing and into this year with you. I plan to reflect each month on what has gone on and where I’ve been and help you to see that you are not alone. I struggle.. you struggle..she struggles and he does too. This struggle just becomes a little bit easier to bear when we support one another. Most things are better shared; like popcorn, smiles and our stories.